Confessions of a Former Addict

I confess that I was an addict. Yes I was addicted to food. I love food a lot and there was a point in my life that I thought that it’s the most important thing in this world. My Mom kept reminding me to “eat to live” but it seemed to me that my motto during those days was “Live to eat.” Sad, but that was how I treated food- I was uncontrollable with my eating, as if I would die without food, I was a slave to food, as if my world was revolving around it….food,food,food.

Factors like stress, the intricacies of being a disturbed teenager, the occasional drama of family and relational issues, the misdirected freedom to eat everything I wanted (unaware of its ill effects) and there was also the confusion of not knowing what I wanted to "be when I grow older" …..all these contributed to the addiction. I used to suffer periods of depression and those were the "dark days" when I couldn't stop eating. It felt good and food has become my comfort zone.

I thought that it would be best to gratify myself with much, much food- choco chips, ice cream, hamburgers, chocolate bars, softdrinks and just about any "junk" food I could reach. It started as “just for fun" then it gradually turned into a daily and habitual action. I'd eat until my stomach would bulge that it was uncomfortable to stand up or sit down. Every move I'd made seemed uncomfortable! I also had a hard time looking for clothes for my body type, it reached to a point where some people thought I was pregnant! And that was really embarassing, even insulting because I was single and so young then.

For the longest time, I had practiced a destructive pattern of always starting a "new diet."…. After a very light breakfast of one slice of white bread and jam, it would be followed by a heavy lunch then a heavier meal (snack) and after that, an even heavier dinner; the following day, I would skip breakfast then a heavy meal again and a heavier meal after and the pattern went on and on….A brief "high" would be followed by an extreme “low”and the more I wallowed in guilt and defeat. I was such a loser. In consequence, I would  mentally punish myself for having no self discipline, I used to "trash talk" a lot and the only thing that would make me feel good was … more eating. Food ruled every moment of everyday. The sad part was it literally, ruled my life.

The good part is it didn’t rule my life forever. I was healed from food addiction. I didn’t undergo professional help,though. And how did I do it?

I had made a thorough research on how foods affect the body ( how unhealthy foods can cause sickness and eventual death), I learned how to read labels, plan my meals and count calories. I made an effort to learn good nutrition. It was a slow process of properly educating myself coupled with self control and the conscious effort and determination to be healthy. I decided to direct my eating habits on nutrition, rather than my emotions.

I changed my MINDSET. Since I knew it wasn't just a simple physical battle but a "battlefield of the mind", I stopped indulging in depression and powerlessness.I got tired of feeling bad about myself. I just wanted change… I started counting my daily blessings and journal the things that made me happy and the little successes I had along the way. Every day I tried to write down at least 10 things I am thankful for in an attempt to excercise contentment and simple abundance. This process helped me a lot and I still do it to this day! Oh well, I still have a lot of unnecessary things going on in my head from time to time, but I’ve learned  to intentionally focus more on what is positive in my life.

As an aftereffect of my “360 degrees turn” to good nutrition, I deliberately stopped eating foods with names I could hardly pronounce-time to let go of  pasta al pomodoro, fettuccine carbonara and all those foods I could not even spell. This became elemental in my weight loss. If I backslide, and there was a point I did- well, at least I was not hard on myself anymore. I’d forgive myself. I'd go back and start again, read through my journals- go over the progress I'd made, and I'd love to re-read articles about other people's (athletes, successful people, celebrities) weight loss journey.

Today, over two decades later, Life is so much brighter! I confess ….I still love food! Only now, I am no longer a food addict and more importantly, I’ve shifted to healthier options. I realized, it's all about moderation and being conscious of what you do to your body… I love to plan my meals, and really enjoy every meal. Yes, I still do enjoy food but no longer controlled by it. After all, “I eat to live, NOT live to eat”.